All Hallows Eve

Today is Halloween. This being a Sunday, here in Utah, Halloween was celebrated yesterday. Halloween is one of my personal favorite holidays. For an entire day, you get to dress up and be someone different for the day. I love make believe and pretend. I love the opportunity to do this, so having a full day that is dedicated to this, it makes it my favorite holiday. 

This year was a bit different though. Due to my new job, as well as other complications this weekend, I did not put the prep into it that I usually do. Friday night was the stake activity and I was in charge of the photo booth. I hurried home from work to get changed and get there. I was thinking that I would just through on my dress from last year and be an 80's prom queen. I got all ready, my side pony tail was up etc. I went to put on my dress, and I was no where to be found. No where. I couldn't find it. I went into a mild panic because I was already late. Luckily I have extra costumes, so I through on my dress from when I was the good fairy Flora. I threw on a crown and called it good. 

I was just a princess, but as I walked into the activity, someone yelled, "Princess Peach, that's awesome." My costume was decided. I was now Princess Peach. I ended up taking photos for the night which was fun, but it meant I had limited interaction with other people. However, I was able to get a little bit planned and ended up having a group of people over for a movie after the activity. I was really impressed with myself. I have been trying to make friends and to be social in an attempt to make my life balanced. And I succeeded. I had people over Friday night, I was social yesterday too and tonight I have a lot of social plans. 

This weekend has been a real example to me. Being social had become a weakness for me. I didn't like to reach out of my comfort zone to make friends and to get to know people. I preferred to stay with my old groups or at home. However due to the fact that my friends are getting married or graduating, I don't have a lot of people around anymore. I know that I need to be social though and that I need to have good people in my life. So I turned to the Lord. As I was pondering how I could get to know more people, a scripture popped into my mind. Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

It hit me. This was a weakness. This is something that I needed to become strong in my life. I kneeled down and asked my Heavenly Father to help me with this weakness. While I haven't become the most social person in the world, I am starting to see the difference in my life. This weekend was a real testimony builder to me. I know that if the Lord is included, anything is possible. 

In the World, but not of the World

Today in sacrament meeting, the theme of the talks was to be in the world, but not of the world. This subject hit me hard today as I feel lately I have been tempted to see myself in the worlds image too much. I haven't been seeing myself through the eyes of the Lord, rather through the eyes of the photographers of magazines. I can only see how much about myself I want to change. This has put my life into a small bit of turmoil. I am losing focus of the important things of life. I am still doing that which should be bringing me closer to God, however, my heart is not always in it. I couldn't figure out why this was, I knew I wasn't all there, but I couldn't figure out the reasons behind it. 

Today was my breakthrough while I was sitting in church. I wasn't feeling church like I usually do, so I started to delve into the possible reasons why. I realized that my focus has been wrong. As I started to think about this more, a hymn popped into my head. Be still my Soul. I realized that I that I let everything cloud my mind. I really just need to slow down and allow myself to be still. 

So this week, I'm going to focus on allowing myself to take things slow and to be in the world instead of being of the world. This week is a bigger focus on the things that matter. And learning to shut out the bad influences in my life. 

End of this Chapter

Today, I went to the pool to clean out my office. I needed to get all of my stuff out of there and then turn in my keys. I was going to do this earlier in the week, but the way it worked out was a lot better. I was able to say goodbye, by myself, and get some closure. Yesterday was my last day of working with people, and that was fine, I as a little sad, but nothing too bad. They got me some going away gifts and all came to wish me well, but I was totally fine. Nothing had me torn up about leaving, I was just excited about the new job. 

Because of the feelings I had yesterday, I wasn't worried about today at all. I didn't think anything of it. While I was cleaning and getting things ready, I didn't feel anything, just the need to get I done. It took me a few hours, and then I went around to each room in the pool to make sure I didnt have anything that I was leaving behind. As I was walking around, everything started to hit me. I remembered everything that this job had done for me, all the good memories, all the time that was spent there. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I just stood and stared for a bit, taking in all the emptiness. I went back to my office to get my box of stuff. I had to go into the city center to drop off my keys, so I left the gate and office unlocked while I did that. 

I didn't feel anything until I set my keys down on my bosses desk. I realized in that moment, I would never have the keys to get back into the facility again. That was the end of my employment there. I walked back out to the pool and went through the office one last time. I locked the door and walked out. I went out the front gate and slowly rolled it closed. As I started to fasten the lock, the tears started to roll. I didn't realize when I went, how hard this was actually going to be for me. 

I walked to my car and got in, as I turned the key, the tears started falling harder. I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't move. I literally could not find it in me to drive away, so I just sat there and felt. I allowed myself to feel wert emotion that was going through me. The gratitude for everything that this job had taught me, and for every person I had met there. The sadness that it was over, etc. 

After allowing myself to feel for a few moments, I gathered myself together and got control. So while I'm so sad that this is ending, I will only have the best memories from it. All the lessons that I learned while working there, I know have made me a better person and employee. I now am so excited for my next adventure in this new chapter of my life. 


Cute Pumpkin everyone signed for me as a going away thank you!

R.I.P. Archibald

Today I came home from work and You were dead. I got a bit sad. I didn't think I would care, but I did. I got you when I worked at Lindon. You were the last remaining fish from the pool. My last day working at Lindon was today, so I find it slightly ironic and fitting that you would pass today. You were 4 months old, and you were a good fish. I really enjoyed seeing you everyday. I am going to miss you, Archie. 

Repentence

It's Thursday night, my favorite night of the week because I get to babysit. Today was a rough day, my best friend had a seizure and needed me for some support. It was a hard thing for me to watch the after affects, so I can't even imagine feeling the pain from his perspective. I left him in time to get to the house where I sit. I walked in and all was well. It was a pretty normal night. We played some games and the kids were fine.

It came time for bed, and the 7 year old, M, had the normal resistance, but a bit of persuasion and compromise got her moving towards pajamas. However, the 10 year old, P, was having some deeper issues. He was angry, yelling and confrontational. I had never seen him like this and he kept insisting nothing was wrong. I had him get ready for bed, but gave him a few minutes alone while I helped M. 

I came back down and asked him calmly if everything was really okay. He bit my head off with his reply of yes. "I'm fine Kara." Then M came bounding happily down the stairs so we could say prayers. I offered the prayer tonight as P wasn't feeling it, and M kept trying to pawn it off on me anyways. After the prayer was over all I managed to get out of P was that he had a bad day and was grumpy and tired so to leave him alone. I turned out his light and took M upstairs to read a story and tuck her in. 

After M was taken care of, I checked in on P. His light was back on and he was reading a book. I told him I was sorry his day hadn't gone well and told him I hadn't had the best day either. He asked why and I explained the situation. He looked at me for a second and said, "I said the 'G' word today." I told him I was sorry. He told me how horrible he felt inside. I asked if he had told his parents, he had told his mom but he was afraid of his dad's anger. I mentioned that if his dad did get angry, it was only out of love. 

I then told P that the most important person to tell was Heavenly Father and that if he asked for forgiveness, Heavenly Father would forgive him. P said he knew that, but he just couldn't get it out of his head. I said, well that's why we have the atonement. Jesus Christ died so that our sins could be forgiven us. He nodded his agreement. I wished him a goodnight and told him that if he needed to talk anymore he could come talk to me. 

I was sitting in the family room and about 20 minutes later, P came into the room. I looked at him and asked what was up. He replied, "I think Heavenly Father forgave me." I asked how he knew. "I can feel it" he said. We talked about that and the peace that he was now feeling from the whole situation. I then wished him goodnight again. He started to walk out of the room, but turned and told me he was sorry about my friend. I was now full of feeling and said, "it'll be all right, Heavenly Father loves him. He is looking out for him." P agreed and said, "I know He is." The spirit was so strong in that room. I felt my emotions come on strong as he walked to his room. 

Later I recounted the story to his mom. It was amazing to the feel the same spirit carried over to this boys mother. I know that Heavenly Father loves us and is looking to forgive us. We just have to ask with a willing heart. His love for us is overflowing and he likes to make it manifest in all He does. He often shows us that love through others, and tonight I was shown through a 10 year old boys simple testimony. I know this gospel is true. And that Christ atoned for our sins. He is there for us to lean on in our trials and hard times. He loves us and did everything for us. I feel His love for me even now. I love you my Father in Heaven and my Savior who died for me.

Furthering Education

From the time I was little, I thought about getting a higher degree. A bachelor's was a given, I wanted more. I flip flopped between a lot if ideas for higher education. I first wanted law school, then physical therapy school, then med school, back to law, etc. The one degree I never thought about getting was an MBA. It just didn't fit into what I wanted. I never really thought that was something that I'd need, and I definitely didn't think it'd be something I'd like. 

However, lately, i've realized an MBA would be an excellent choice. I work in a highly predominant business field, and unfortunately for me, I don't know business. What few business classes I had to take for my major, I learned what I needed to in order to pass the class, and then moved on. I wasn't a fan of business in school, mostly because I didn't understand it. Now, I realize that I need to know business. I am working at a brand new business. While I don't handle the business side of things, I still need to be able to understand what is going on. 

So, I'm going to see how things go for the next year, and if it continues the way it looks to be going, I will start applying for MBA programs next fall. I will go on and get a masters degree. That's just going to add so much more to my already impressive resume. I don't know how I feel about the whole thing, but that's why I have a whole year to ponder and decide. We'll see what ultimately happens, but for now, it's just on my mind. 

Bubble Wrap and Water Balloons

Lately I have had a lot of spontaneous impulses. But unlike most of my wacky ideas, these ones aren't going away. I really really want to do them. The first was born out of a commercial. California Pizza Kitchen has a commercial where they lay down bubble wrap on half the sidewalk and see what people choose. Anyone who knows me would know that I would obviously choose the bubble wrap side. 

As I sat thinking about this, (and that's what we call effective marketing) I really wanted to try this. Like really. So now, my new thought is that we will put down bubble wrap in my house. That way, when anyone walks into our house, it starts a popping! I think this would be awesome. We have also then taken the liberty of adding the idea of whoppy cushions under the couch cushions, we'll see if this actually happens. 

My next idea, I have no idea how it came to being. I really want to fill water balloons and throw them at cars. Yes, I realize that this could be illegal, and I realize that it could be dangerous, but I'm fairly certain this would be the best thing ever. So much fun. 

I'm not sure if, or when this will happen, but all I can think about with this is, my poor kids. They are going to have the most random childhood because their mom will be a kid at heart. But at least it will be a fun random! 

Weird Dream

Last night I had a dream. Not unusual, I dream a lot. This one was also not unusual in the fact that I don't remember most major details from said dream. I know that I was in a cabin somewhere on a vacation with family friends. There are a few major details I remember, like the van we drove, or the trees, but I only remember one actual thing that happened in my dream. I, for some reason that I don't understand, had my fish on this vacation. My fish is a very real creature and not a product of my dream. His name is Archibald. He is a goldfish and is a little over 4 months old. He use to live at work, but I have since brought him home and now he resides I my bathroom with a sign that says "No Skinny Dipping" in his bowl. I call him Archie. We get along fabulously. He doesn't die, and I feed him and clean his tank. It's a fairly stable relationship that doesn't require much more than that. If he died, I would mildly miss his presence and then move on. I might think about purchasing a replacement 28 cent pet. 

Anyways, in my dream I was far more attached to the fish. I would go anywhere without him (is this a sign from my subconscious that the fish actually means more to me than I'm willing to admit?) So Archie was there. One of the boys on the trip got the brilliant idea to put a baby shark in the tank. According to the boy, these sharks had been bred specifically not to prey on fish. They were way small and meant for tank life. The shark was about 5 inches long.

In my dream we went somewhere, and when we came back, the tank was a disaster. All I saw was a goldfish tail resting on the rocks and a big thing swimming around. I immediately assumed that the shark had eaten poor Archie, and all that was left was the tail, but as I got closer I was unprepared for what was there. 

I was right, the shark had torn of Archie's tail, and that somehow provoked Archie to eat the shark. I'm not kidding. My goldfish ate a 5 inch shark. And somehow that caused him to grow a few inches in return. So now floating around the bowl was my huge goldfish missing a tail. I woke up and immediately wanted to research if fish could regrow a tail. So I did. Aparently fish can regrow tails. Thank goodness dream Archie will be all right! Haha my fish is pretty kick butt awesome. I mean he is the only one who survived the entire summer out of all my fish. Go Archie! 

Love This....

Seriously, this kid is amazing. Love his voice, and his style!

Slowing Down

When I was in high school, I learned how to drive. I also got the use of a car. My dad would ride his bike to work everyday so that I could use our car. There were a couple of routes I could take to get home from school, and one of these routes had a lot of intense speed bumps. One day, as I was going over these speed bumps, I forgot to slow down. I was going quite fast, and discovered that if I was at the right speed, the car would fly over the bumps and you wouldn't even feel the bump. I soon started taking this route home everyday because it was so much fun. However, one day, I was taught how bad this was for your vehicle. I was told all the things it can do to wear down on the car. I soon realized that if I was going to keep using my dad's car, I should probably treat it right. I starting taking other ways home, and I slowed down when going over speed bumps. 

This is a pattern I've started to notice in my life. Either when something stressful comes up, or life starts to get hard, I take it super fast. I am not very patient. I speed through things as fast as possible without really taking a look around to see what's happening. I took no thought as to what this did to me. I didn't realize the damage it was doing to my relationships, with God, with my family, with others, and with myself. I now know this needs to change. 

In President Uchtdorf's talk in this last conference, he talked about the need to slow down, to get back to the basics. As I'm starting my new job, I know I'm going to be stressed. I know this is going to bring a lot of challenges that I know I can handle, even though at first they may seem unconquerable. I know that by slowing down and by focusing on the little things, that will give me a foundation strong enough to accomplish whatever I set my mind to. It will all be through Him. 

It's Here!

Remember the change that I was talking about a while back? How I could feel it coming in my life? Well it's official, a major change is here. Granted, I brought this change upon myself, but still, it's here, and it's big. You ready? Drum roll please.........

I ACCEPTED A JOB OFFER TODAY!!!!

That's right, I put in my 2 weeks notice and I am starting a new job. I go in to meet with them tomorrow to get started with paperwork and all that. They want me to start as soon as possible. I am going to finish up working here and get everything in order so that they have a good foundation to go on for next year.

I don't want to say too much about this place yet, but it's going to be awesome. They have an indoor FlowRider (that's what initially attracted me to the place) as well as a lot of other attractions. It's going to be a huge family fun center. They have offered me a full time position with benefits, so I had to go to it. Not only that, I will be getting in on the ground floor and will be opening everything from scratch, again. I truly am blessed. I will have more experience than most in a lot of ways and I've only been graduated from college for a year! It's crazy, and oh so exciting, but I'm going to miss the pool so much... I guess I'll just have to visit next year. :)

Becoming Me

Conference talks are now online in text! Yay! I have been waiting for these. I love to listen to the words of the prophets and I full plan on downloading the talks to put on my iPod (this is almost perfectly timed for my drive to and from work). And while hearing the words spoken invokes a certain spirit, I am so much more of a visual learner. I have been waiting for the text version all week, and it's here! Tonight I took the opportunity to re-read the talk that stuck out the most to me all of conference. I was actually in the conference center for this talk, and I loved it while I was there. I read Elder Scott's talk tonight. It is entitled, The Transforming Power of Faith and Character. This talk spoke to me for so many reasons, the simplicity of that which he spoke about was one of them. The first principle of the gospel is Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Faith is a topic that you can never learn enough about. But tonight there is just one quote from the talk that really stuck out to me.

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."

I may have aspirations to become something or someone, but just because I think about it, doesn't mean something is going to click in my brain and I'm automatically going to become that person. It doesn't work that way. I need to put a plan in place. I need to become that person I want to be. I need to start living the life that I want to have. I had thought this before, but never so eloquently. I had never actually put words to the thought. So now, I am going to formulate a plan. I am going to start working on me. I am going to live the life of the person I want to be. I know I won't be perfect. But no one is. I do know that by striving for this ideal, I will get better everyday. I will make small improvements that slowly mold me into the person that my Heavenly Father has in store for me to be. I know He has a plan for me and I want to become the daughter that He knows I am. I want to be ready for His plan.

Love

"Love is never wasted, for it's value does not rest upon reciprocity." ~ Neal A. Maxwell

I signed onto Facebook the other day and was greeted by that quote. I have come to love this quote. If ever I have felt like I have misplaced my love, I am now rebuked. I know that any love I give to another person is never misplaced. Love is real. Love needs to be given. Others need to feel love. Even if they don't return the feeling, they need to feel the Love of others. Thank you Neal A Maxwell. I will never hesitate to give love again.

Tender Mercies

I have had a few tender mercies in my life lately. There have been a few people that felt the need to just drop me a little note letting me know that they had noticed my efforts and appreciated what I was doing. 

In 1 Nephi 1:20 it reads, "But behold I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance. 

I have been pondering on this verse along with the talk that Elder Bednar gave a couple years ago on the principle of tender mercies. Because I have been going through a small trial, I have been asking for comfort and love to be sent my way. I have always known that Heavenly Father helps us most through other people, and I don't know if I have been more open to this now or what, but I have been seeing His love manifest so strongly.

While I have been thinking about this principle, I had a song pop into my head. Songs have been sticking out in my head a lot lately (in case you hadn't noticed). I feel like the Spirit reaffirms so much in our lives through he testimony of music. Lyrics, if uplifting, can be a powerful witness of truth. This particular song is called Tender Mercies by Michael McLean. I have chosen to only include the last verse and chorus, but the whole song is amazing. 

If you're out there listening and wondering why, You get a feeling inside you that makes you want to cry. Perhaps you're reminded of a memory or two, When God's tender mercies were given to you. But then maybe you're thinking this hurts too much, With unanswered prayers you feel so out if touch. I wish I could be there and help you hold on, 'Til that day when your heart can't help singing this song. I know you'll sing it strong. A tender mercy has come to me, It came from Heaven I do believe. Maybe why I was chosen, Is because I was chose to see, It seems like whenever I choose to see, God's tender mercies are for those who believe, Tender mercies are for you and me.

I know the Lord loves me enough that He sends me tender mercies to let me know. His love for me so so encompassing that He is always wanting to show me. I pray that I am always worthy enough to have the Holy Ghost with me so that I can see and feel His efforts to give me Love. 

What Heaven Sees In Me

Sent to this earth, you were saved through the ages for this day and time. Child of great worth, child of promise, daughter of the Divine. Pure and holy in a little white dress, you were held in a circle and you were blessed. And the Father looked down, and the angels surrounded that place, they knew the truth, all that you could do. And you will too, if you have eyes to see, what heaven sees in you. 

Dressed in white once more, making promises to follow in God's way. So much lies in store, for the little girl who enters at the gate. Pure and holy on a little, white dress, you were led into the water and you were blessed. And the Father looked down, and the angels surrounded that place. They knew the truth, all that you could do, and you will too, if you have eyes to see, what heaven sees in you. 

Do you understand who you are? Part of the Father lives in you. And if you continue on this path, every promise God has given will come true. 

Heaven on earth. In the house of God, so much fills your heart and mind. Woman of great worth, woman of promise, daughter of the Divine. Pure and holy in long, white dress. You promise forever and you are blessed. And the Father looks down, and the angels surround that place. They knew the truth, all that you can do. And you do too, cause you have eyes to see, what heaven sees in you. 

Will you have eyes to see, what Heaven sees in you?

This song has been on my mind a lot lately. The first time it hit me was Saturday night. I was driving back from a friends house. I had just dropped her off after conference. This song came on my iPod and I was singing softly along, barely recognizing what I was singing. And then it hit me, I can still clearly remember where I realized it. I started the song over and really sang along this time. As I sang, I could hear myself baring my testimony of the truth contained in these lyrics. And while I'm not to the point where I am in my long white dress yet, I know that I am a woman of great worth. I don't fully know everything that Heaven sees in me, but I am beginning to understand. 

I know that I have so much potential in this life. But none of it will be my own doing. I am an instrument in the hands of the Lord. Everything I accomplish in this life will through Him. And everything will be for the good of His plan. I know I am a Divine daughter of my Heavenly Father. I know that He sees me as so much more than I see myself. I only pray that I can keep myself open to understand what He needs from me. 

Farewell

Last night I said goodbye to you, my best friend. Things weren't right, and so we had to walk away. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through in my life. Despite the pain, the tears I was crying in your presence were for an entirely different reason. The Spirit was so strong and so present for this conversation. We just talked through everything. And a lot of realizations were made. There were a lot of spiritual developments made. While I know the pain is necessary, I also know that there is a reason for it. We were in each others life for a reason. We were there to help each other through some struggles. There was a purpose we served. You taught me I could trust. You taught me I could love and give myself completely to another person. I've never been able to do that before. I never knew there would be a person that would make me want to do that. You also helped me realize exactly what I'm looking for in an eternal mate. I'm sure there is more, but I feel so much closer. I mean, I want you, but right now that isn't a possibility. Somewhere deep inside me, there is a place that knows that we are going to end up together, but as of right now it's not happening, so I'm moving on. I'll get over you. 

I made a realization last night about the life before this one. I know that I knew you before. There was a reason you and I clicked so fast. I felt like I knew you from the beginning. And now I feel like I've known you my whole life. It was an amazing realization last night. 

I also realized how much I'm going to be okay. While I hurt, I'm not alone, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and a Savior who has felt this. I am not alone. While I may be physically very alone right now, spiritually I am not. I think this happening on General Conference weekend was a very good think. I was spiritually feed, and so were you. We were both in the best place possible for this to happen. I am so glad you were able to let me know and to free me. Thank you for that. And thank you for everything you are in my life. I love you, and miss you. But I am okay. 

Timing

Today I got the opportunity to go General Conference. I’ve been going through a rough time lately, last night brought everything to a major point of me having to deal with it. That could not have been better timing. I have been looking forward to GC for months. I love that I get the chance to go to the conference center every 6 months and listen to the voice of the prophets. Today was no exception. I had a few tickets, so I invited one of my best friends to come along with me. She agreed, and then asked if she could bring her boyfriend along. I totally agreed because I thought I’d have more people coming along with me. Every person I asked said they would come and then had to back out. It was a little disappointing, and then I realized I was going to be a major 3rd wheel with a very happy couple. I was starting to get a little anxious about this. Part of the reason I’ve been having such a hard time is because of a boy. I want to be a happy couple, but we aren’t. We aren’t even a couple at this point. So I was going to be watching them in all their bliss.

This morning, I had a change of opinion though. I realized how selfish I was being. Here I was, wallowing in self pity, and one of my good friends is absolutely happy. And this is my first time I get to see them together. I have known this girl, Non for 20+ years. She has always been a part of my life. We both meet C, her boyfriend, for the first time 4 years ago. They were reintroduced and now they are so happy.

I was struck with such a strong impression today as I was thinking about them. The Lord is ultimately in charge, and this is all done on His timing. Everything is completely on His time. While I may want something (or someone) bad, what matters in the long run is when it’s right in the Lord’s timing. I know that I’m going to be okay. I may be in pain currently, but it’s totally worth it. This is totally worth it, because someday, when I meet that bliss, when I meet that person that makes me so happy, and it’s returned on his end. It’s going to be so much sweeter. I am feeling this pain now in order to feel the beauty of true love later. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s so true. And someday it will be worth it.

I am so grateful for the Lord and all He does for me. I know that He loves me individually. I know that through Him I can do anything. This weekend is such an amazing weekend for me. I love the that this opportunity is afforded to me so that I can hear the words of the prophets as it applies to me.