Cynics create Believers

Today, as I’m sure everyone is aware, is December 31, 2006. It’s the last day of 2006. This fact makes me a little sad, for some reason, I’m not quite sure why. This year was definitely a full year. I started off the semester making a big mistake that though I no longer regret it, look back and wonder why I was so stupid. Ugh… but I learned a lot. In reality I didn’t really make any New Year’s resolutions out loud, but I did have a few that were internal. I broke them all with in the first couple of days. I also started out the New Year by going to Disneyland for the first time… ever. lol… who would have guessed, I, who lived in California for a while, had never been to Disneyland. That was fun. This year was full of mistakes, and lots of experiences. In February I went back to California for a work thing, and I said goodbye to my house forever. My parents had decided yet again, to move. Joy, we were going to Savannah, GA. Wow… how cool yet sad could you get. I finished up school, and moved out east. The summer was fun filled and wow, I learned a lot. I met so many people who taught me so many things. Oh, and I picked up a little southern accent. I learned to love the place that I thought I would hate. The summer closed yet again and I went back out to school. Always a joy, the semester started off so well, and I got a new good group of friends. Once again as the semester started to come to an end I felt like I was losing control, everything was spinning away. I didn’t quite no how to deal. I got super stressed, forgot to eat at times, lost some weight, and a bunch of other things. Oh and I met a boy. Haha, see Pumpkin Flavored Rice Pudding for that story. Now the semester is over and I am once again home contemplating the past year.

As I look back, the one thing I notice as a trend in my past year, was I learned a lot. I’m not kidding. I made so many mistakes and I had to experience so much that I feel like I am a lot older than last year. Which is funny, I never really feel older, that isn’t something that I usually feel, I mean I can look back and see how I’ve progressed, but I’ve never actually felt physically older. I do now, when I look back to this time last year, not much has changed. Actually take that back. I’m still making the same stupid mistakes, but not exactly. I fell like I am, but the way people are reacting around me shows that it is different. I don’t know if that makes sense. My mom and I have a much better relationship than before. I still don’t feel as if I can tell her everything, but I open up about a lot more and we seem to get along better. People respond to me differently and seem to feel as if they can approach me now. It’s all so different. Some of the same people are in my life, but many have changed. As I look back, everything has changed, but it’s the things I learned, the memories that will stay with me. Maybe I’m hard headed and it takes me a while to learn, but still I learned, and that is one lesson closer to learning it well. It was funny, as I was sitting with my family and friends tonight listening to the youth fireside from Salt Lake, I heard a lot that I needed too, but the one thing that really stuck out to me was a quote by President Hinckley. “You can be wise and happy, or you can be stupid and miserable.” I don’t even remember why he said this. But it does apply. Everything that I have learned over the past year, I can be wise and remember the things that I was taught, or I can be stupid and do them again. Either way produces a result, I just have to choose which result I want.

I want to be happy. So instead this year, I have chose to make resolutions, but not just resolutions, I have chose to make goals. These goals are achievable and will help me to be wise. I have made 7 resolutions and I am going to stick to them to the best of my ability. This should be interesting, but I’m going to post them in one or more very visible places so that I remember them. This year, I’m am going to use this method to help me to become happy. I wish everyone a Happy New Year, and good luck with those resolutions. I love ya’ll!

Unbuttered Popcorn

So I have a roommate who hates to watch movies. She really can’t sit through most, thinks they are a waste of time. She looks at me and thinks I am crazy. I watch almost a movie a day. Really, I cannot function without it. So she looks at me and wonders why do I waste my time in such a fashion. I even sometimes wonder if she thinks I’m lazy. So yesterday, my mom and I went shopping. I started talking to her about this movie thing and how worried I was about my roommate. Suddenly my mom says, “Kara, she just doesn’t realize what movies do for you.” And that was the end of that part of the conversation.

But as I sat there thinking about what she had just said, I realized what she said was true. I had just been focusing on the fact that I watch a lot of movies, not my reasons for it. Normally I turn one on for background noise, I can’t focus unless I hear people talking. But that is just reason number one. Certain movies help me sleep. Others are comfort things. All movies help me to get rid of stress. Really if I need an escape that is were I turn. For me, it isn’t a waste of time, it helps me clear time.

Movies are my respite from reality. It’s funny, it’s almost as if they give me the rest I get with a nap, but still I’m awake. I always feel recharged after a movie. Somehow, but sitting in front of the tube, I get more done. It’s funny thought, I’ve been like this for most of my life, and I’m just realizing this now. It’s a great realization though.

Pumpkin flavored Rice Pudding

So I haven’t written in a while. It’s been weird. The reason I haven’t written is because of a certain boy. Haha… this one is a new one. I literally met him almost 3 weeks ago. I was having this problem with another guy. I was trying to decide what to do, so I went over to my best friends apartment. I walk in and there is a guy with his head over the sink washing his hair. He stood up some what awkward (it was kinda cute I might add) and was like umm… hi I’m Sienna’s friend Jordan. So yeah, we pretty much talked from that night on, and saw each other quite frequently. It’s been freaking crazy. Going muddin’ till 7 am. Denny’s till 5. And yeah. Not to mention his mom. Love her! So yeah, now I have this guy that I’m falling head over heels for. And he is dang cute to. Not just cute gorgeous, I think my heart misses a beat every time I look at him. Pretty much it’s been fast, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

History

So today I was sitting in my history class and the question was posed, “Why do some people carry more cargo?” Now the application in class had something to do with natural resources and that sort of stuff, but it got me thinking. Why do some people carry more cargo? We happen across people who are so carefree and seem to have no burdens weighing down on them. But then there are others that seem to have more than their share weighing down on them. So what is the difference?
One of the things that I have noticed about those that are burdened down by more than their fair share of cargo is that they do have more than their share. They tend to have had a life that lays burdens on them, but only because they see all those burdens. And then in order to make their load seem heavier, they take on others burdens. They begin to feel the pain of others. It is almost in an effort to get others to notice them. I don’t know if this is true, it’s just what I’ve noticed.
Those that are carefree are those that the rest of us envy. We all wish that we could push away all our cares. I have two possible explanations for this mentality. There are those people that honestly know how to just forget about things. They just don’t even realize that there is something there to bug them. The second is that people have actually begun to fully understand the atonement. At this point, people can learn to let Christ take their burdens. These people who have found true peace are the ones who I want to learn to be like. I don’t have more than my share of burden, but I do have my burdens. I want to become one of those that can share my load with the Savior.

Eating Toast

So I know that I want to write. but I don't know what to write about. Basically, no inpiration is flowing. So I'm going to just type. I've been wanting to write something funny. And so I've been putting off writing because I didn't have anything funny to write about. I even started trying to think about funny stuff. But then I realized, I'm not funny, that's not me. Okay I don't mean that I'm absolutely straight faced, no joking allowed. I can be funny at times. But never intentionally. I realized that anytime I set out to be funny, I'm not. Guess I can't get a job as a comedian. Rather, I just never hold my tongue and I say everything that pops into my head. Apparently, people sometimes find me funny.

So in reality, I'm actually very serious, just when it comes to writing. I have a lot of thoughts that are running through my head that want to come out, but they don't tend to come out in real conversation, or I just don't want to talk about them with whom ever. So instead I write about them here. They just manifest themselves in written form. And though no one can respond to what I'm saying, I don't need that. It just helps me to sort through everything that is going on in this head of mine. There is way too much stuffed in there. Because of that, I'm stressing way too much, and I can't sleep at night because my mind wont hold still. Okay, now I'm getting in on my problems, and that doesn't need to happen. Ta ta for now.

I Think, therefore I Exist

Originally credited to René Descartes is the statement “Cogito, ergo sum” meaning I think, therefore I am. Though he was wrongly credited, he never actually said this. Descartes only said, “Cogito, sum.” This translates to I think, I am. The therefore definitely adds a new meaning. But in reality, I don’t care. I’ve given this some thought as of late.

I’m in college right, and there are times when I feel absolutely stupid. Professors try to make you look stupid and put forth tests to confirm that. To have any success at this school, you either have to be super smart, or you have to give up any semblance of a life. Which I have now basically done. I sacrifice some school and some life, but now I’m working on top of things, and so my life is spread way to thin. But too much complaining.

There are some people that I talk to, when they open their mouths I wonder, do they put any thought into anything? I don’t mean this in any rude way. But you know what I’m talking about. I seriously wonder sometimes if people actually think, I mean I know they think, but I wonder if they have had a deep thought ever in their lives. I think one could exist without ever putting forth an original thought of their own.

On the other hand, everyone is always thinking about something, even if it is what nail color they should get for their manicure. It’s not possible to stop thought entirely. I wonder if we could stop thought, would it cause death? I believe that it would. Think about it, people in hospitals, the ones that are considered vegetables, they have no brain activity. Because of this, they have to be kept alive on a ventilator. They aren’t truly alive, a machine is what is doing it for them.

But is this really what Descartes means, that we have to think of we die. I don’t know. I can see another take. By thinking, we put out original thought, and if we actually voice that thought, we become and individual. Suddenly, we become a recognizable part of society. We are there. Thought gives us a name, thought helps us to live. We do more than just occupy space. When one thinks, one exists.

Comparing my Love Life to the War Chapters of the Book of Mormon

For those of you who have never read the Book of Mormon, it is an amazing book that has changed my life. Literally, I would not be the same without this book. It teaches so many profound yet applicable things. In 1 Nephi 19:23 it reads, “And I did read many things unto them which were written in the books of Moses; but that I might more fully persuade them to believe in the Lord their Redeemer I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah; for I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning.” So I’m following the advice of Nephi and likening the scriptures to my life, my love life to be exact.

Not that my love life is all that happening, it’s actually pretty non-existent. The one guy I really like lives so freaking far away, and the other one that I could possibly be interested in, yeah he pretty much has no interest in me. Though everyone that sees us interact has a belief that he does. I don’t completely know.

As of today I’ve noticed a correlation between the War Chapters of Alma and love, well actually life in general. As those of you who know the Book of Mormon know, the War Chapters are just that, about war. But it goes deeper than that. Contention is of the devil. Each war was started by Satan. This is the same in our lives. Satan is constantly waging a war against us and our emotions. When we like someone, doubts are put into our mind. We begin to question ourselves, if we are worthy of such a beau. It can go as deep as questioning our life and body issues. Satan slowly creeps in and tries to make us as miserable as he is.

When we overcome these doubts and land the guy or girl of our dreams (currently anyway), he changes strategies and wages new war. Suddenly he tries to lower our defenses and lull us into a sense of false security. If we had boundaries before as to what lines we would not cross, they began to fade. He rationalizes, he tries to confuse us. In Alma 47, Amalikiah shows us all the tactics of Satan.

Because we can begin to know our enemy, we can start to build up our defenses against him. Throughout the rest of Alma and most of Helaman, we are shown examples of the great men who lead the Nephites away from destruction. The fortifications that they use to protect there cities are very symbolic of what we can do to protect our lives. We are shown examples of staying as far away from the adversary and boundaries as possible. If we stay a mile away at all times than we have no fear of crossing them. Another great leader shows us to keep reservoirs. Journal writing, write when Satan has let down on the attack so that when he is at his strongest, we can go back and see how much we do truly know.

Most of all, we are shown that it is by the little things we can overcome. Just living what we know to be right, day by day. Always just striving for truth. If we try, ultimately, we can destroy him and learn what it means to truly know success with the Lord.

Surprising I know, but I can be serious at times.

7-up and Sherbet

So I have recently been thinking about two aphorisms. The first that I will address: It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Is this true? Do we want to shelter ourselves from the pain? In my mind, we shouldn't stop ourselves. We should put ourselves out there. How can I know the happiness and joy of love if I never experience the pain of heartbreak? I have recently discovered that I have been trying to shelter myself. I haven't been putting myself out there. And do you know what I've discovered, that you still get hurt. Even if you don't put yourself out there, people still manage to hurt you. So instead, I'm now going to try to break down my barriers and put everything out. I'm going to take the jump and hope someone catches me. And if I fall, oh well. From the movie Batman Begins, "Why do we fall sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again."
The next cliché I want to discuss: All is fair in Love and War. This is completely one hundred percent true in my opinion. Okay minus one. Chicks before dicks. You never ever ever steal the boyfriend of a friend. Anyone you would even consider close to a friend. That is off limits. An ex's well depending on the situation those are too. But occasionally I deam this alright. Other than this exception, I say all is fair. Let out all stops.
I've also had arranged marriages on my mind as of late. I think that we should have arranged marriages brought back. Honestly, my parents would choose someone who was extremely good-looking and an amazing person to boot. As far as chemistry, that can be aquired. Then I could stop this whole dating thing. But if we refer to above, I am going to put myself back out there, so I guess that I should just hold out and wait.

The Bane of My Existence

So, we go back to the old adage, boys, you can't live with them, you can't live without them. It's unfortunate but true. I've recently had a run in with the experience. Classic boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy breaks girls heart.... 3 times. Girl finally gets over him. And then, last night, I got to see him for the first time in a year. The first little bit goes good, it was like it was when we were just friends, the friendly banter and all. My heart was filled with butterflies, i somehow forgot how to breath and my heart wouldn't stop going, but I just thought it was because i hadn't seen him in forever.
Things kept going and suddenly we were kissing. Now you have to understand, we have never kissed before this point (long story), so there is a year and a half of pent up energy. But not only that, he is the best kisser I've kissed... and I thought I had had some good kissers up until this point, but wow. So yeah, but now we have this horrible history and we are starting again.
So I have to now make a decision as to what to do. And all at the same time, I have like 3 guys on my radar. I'm not entirely sure about anyone. I don't even know if I want to be dating someone right now... ugh. So yes, you can't live with them, you can't live without them.